Orthodox Jews - None or Few?

"Are you Jewish?" That's what the squinting smiling flocks wanted to know. They didn't ask any brown-skinned people. And they didn't mark those they asked, which left those of us without evidence of our shared African heritage to be accosted yet again by the next mob of monomaniacal monotheists.

The young man offered to affix his lips to a pale and somewhat twisted phallic symbol that they described as a "schafer" and blow it, if I agreed that I was Jewish. The symbolism seemed creepy.

The first would-be blower buttonholed me in the library. I checked with them their definition of "Jewish". To these hoi polloi of Hebrew quoters, it was a simple matter, "If your mother is Jewish, you're Jewish." But how can I be sure that my mother was Jewish? "If her mother was Jewish, she was Jewish." But how would I know if my grandmother was Jewish? Do you know if your grandmother was Jewish? "Yes, she is." Well but what about her grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother? What was her name? How far back does your recorded genealogy go? How can you be sure that HER mother was Jewish?

If he hadn't been confused about my argument (aren't these people known for studying arguments?) he might have blown his schafer right there in the library! Is nothing sacred?

The second set, who had caught me just outside the library wandered off after counter-attacking my knowledge of my own family's comprehensive genealogy. Luckily they didn't ask for details, because there's dirt there that's already been dug up.

These interactions led me to believe that by the black and white definition of the black and white clothed Jews, that there were no Jews. But before publishing this important news of autogenocide-by-logic of an historically important ethnic group I checked with a Jewish friend of mine, who has been cast out of his family for marrying a non-Jew.

He said that there are accepted conversion ceremonies whereby a non-Jew can actually become a Jew. So a non-Jewish woman can become Jewish and her children are thereby Jewish. Unlike a man who wants to convert, she doesn't even have to allow the rabbi to cut off part of her genitals. Although the immersion ceremony might seem like a hassle (at least bloodfree for women), it does guarantee membership in a group that sees itself as the chosen people of G-d! We can see here that Orthodox Judaism offers an inviting cosmopolitan alternative to some rival groups that claim to be the chosen people of G-d. I'll bet the Aryan Nation doesn't allow conversion ceremonies! Nonetheless my friend's wife chose not to become part of that chosen people (or any other). And so his parents hardened their hearts and cast my friend and his wife both out. Actually they probably cast their son and his wife out of their hearts, and THEN hardened their own hearts to make sure that their son and his wife wouldn't sneak back in.

Despite my sympathy for my friend, I feel mainly relief that I didn't recklessly report the sad result of Orthodox inattention to an almost infinitely regressive self-identification. (My friend says, "It isn't infinite - it only has to go back to Moses.")

I could now announce that there are no Orthodox Jews, with the exception of those Jews whose mothers weren't Jews, or whose mother's mothers weren't Jews. Lacking perfect pedigrees to the days of desert wanderings, would-be Jews must concede that the only certainty comes from conversion ceremonies. I expect that there will be a wave of worried would-be converts if the weakness of the matrilineal records becomes widely known. If they could get their great-grandmothers or grandmothers to convert it would be a lot more efficient. Even with all the kvetching from the alter folk it would probably would be simpler than re-thinking the whole culture. I'm worried though that the "zeal of the convert" might multiply the mercilessness of the sanctimonious self-appointed guardians of identity, as demonstrated by my friend's parents. Maybe its best if we African-descended folks of all colors just let the Orthodox Jews go on thinking they're already Jewish.